Plain White Tees and Diaper Wipes

Though not quite a "poo-mergency", this department store hell story does register as pretty damn gross.

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It was just before Christmas, when there is the huge holiday rush, and the store was extremely busy. Because there were to many customers and not enough employees, me and a coworker had decided to team up. We were on dressing room duty, and we had figured out what it was quicker to both work together and rotate between the different dressing rooms. So we were running in circles, going from the Menes to the Women's - Juniors'- Children's, etc.

It was madness, with constant moving. At one point in the day we had gotten back to the Juniors dressing room. It was trashed! Which wasn't at all unusual, but was strange was the smell. But we were in a grove, and just continued cleaning. We had made it through the small dressing rooms, coming to the large room last. The floor was covered in clothes, there were three large piles.

So we started sorting through. Dividing what needed to be folded, hung, go the jeans wall, etc. My co-worker, making it to the final pile, picked up a plan white tee-shirt, and exclaimed "OH MY GOD! I've found out what the smell is. This is disgusting".

The shirt had a smear down the front. Someone had used the white tee-shirt as a diaper wipe. And it wasn't just the one shirt, it was five total that had been used. Some bitch didn't have the decency to walk the 100 yards to the bathroom to change her child's diaper, and had instead decided that the a hand full of Juniors white tee-shirts, would work to wipe the kids ass.

Shoplifter in Training

This one I got from a department store associate. And though not the most outrageous story I've heard, it's definitely different... and wrong.

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Once day while monitoring the children's dressing room at my store, I noticed a man in the dressing room with his young daughter. Not thinking much of it, I continued cleaning out the clothes left in the empty dressing stalls. The stall next to theirs had a large pile of clothes on the ground. So I grabbed the first load and carries it out, but when going in for the second arm load I over heard the man in the next stall talking quietly to his daughter.

Realizing the conversation was a bit suspicious I paused for a moment to over hear him telling his daughter, "This is why you wear a big jacket with very little underneath. You can put on multiple layers of shirts and you can't tell once your jacket is back on." The conversation, that i now realized was a lesson in shoplifting continued like that.

So finally I knocked on the door, resulting in complete quite on the other side, and I politely asked "If you're going to teach your daughter to shoplift, please don't do it in my dressing room".

At this point I called in the store Loss Prevention Manager. And when the man and child had exited the store they were stopped. The man was outraged and accused the store of crossing the line. But considering the frightened child, no older than 6 or 7, opened her jacket to reveal the four shirts she had on underneath, if was definitely the man who has crossed the line.

Never Stop Moving

Short bit from a small town drugstore

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My store is in a quite park of town, no where near downtown at the normal retail rush. But it happened to be right next door to a retirement home. So we get a lot of people 65 and up. In fact sometimes there are scheduled "fieldtrips" to our shopping center.

On Christmas Eve, a woman from the retirement home came in to our store. I put all of her items in to one bag, but hesitated realizing she's a small old lady. So I asked, " Do u want me to lighten this up for u? " and she said "Oh, no! I am strong!"

Totally amused, I decide to humor her a bit and say, "Wow you are strong! "
To which she responds, "I'm 91 years old! almost 92."
I reply," WOW, I wanna be like u when i'm that age"
And she said "Do you wanna know the secret to good health like mine? Never stop moving!" and then she flexed her arm!

I thanked her for the advice, and was truely impressed with her vitailty and humor!

Bare Breast Bitch Fest

When you work in a women's clothing store, you get used to dealing with a lot of children in your environment. Women often shop with their little kids, and beyond having to clean up a few more sticky fingerprints and cracker crumbs after they leave, they rarely cause any problems. However, one afternoon a young woman brought her two small children shopping with her-- a 2 year old boy and his older sister-- and all hell broke loose.

At this point, I'd like to pause and stress the fact that this story isn't about terrible little children. With a lead-up such as the one presented above, you may be thinking that this story is about some snot-nosed brat's meltdown, but the true antagonist of this store is actually a woman in her early 60s who did not have a sense of humor, any control over her temper, and apparently didn't have a soul.

As the young woman began to shop, she let her children sit down next to our basket of children's books to read, which, for the most part, is exactly what they did. But as their mother shopped, the two-year-old boy began to grow antsy, and began running in and out of the curtained dressing rooms, one of which was occupied by the soulless 60 yr-old who was decidedly NOT amused by this. She began to yell at the little boy, telling him his actions were "Inappropriate!" and that he should be "Ashamed!" Since the little boy was only 2, and probably didn't understand, let alone care what the crotchety old woman said to him, he continued to poke his head into her dressing room, giggling madly all the while.

Finally, the 60 yr-old snapped, and started screaming, "My BARE BREASTS are exposed and you're PEERING in at me! Stop this at once!" She then proceeded to hastily cover her "bare breasts" and yell at my manager that she was "HUMILIATED", wanted a phone apology from the owners of the store, and insisted on having the children's books moved as far as possible away from the fitting rooms. At this point, the little boy's mother tried to intervene and apologize on behalf of her little son, as well as reassure the woman that her boy was only 2, and wasn't ogling her. To this, the Bare Breast woman responded by screaming in the woman's face that, "Children develop memories by 2, and she didn't want her bare breasts to be one of his! (the little boy's)." The mortified mother, in an effort to defend her son, began yelling back at Bare Breasts, and a high-volume screaming match ensued. Eventually, the mom threw her two young kids into their stroller, called Bare Breasts a "crazy bitch" and left the store.

It may seem like Bare Breasts won in the end, but after all of the other patrons witnessed the yelling match, and sided with the very embarrassed young mother, Bare Breasts was literally intimidated out of the store. Every woman in their began an intense assault of evil-eye attacks, and the Bare Breasted woman grew so uncomfortable she left-- but only after insisting one more time to my manager that she be formally apologized to for her "ordeal" and left her card at the front desk.

Senior Shoplifter

Shoplifters are something that all retail workers have dealt with. But it always surprises me how dumb some shoplifters can be.

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Every store gets shoplifted, but there's something particularly annoying about the fact that the store where I work gets hit as often as it does. This is because, in a women's consignment store, all of the merchandise is used and therefore very reasonably priced, and it also belongs to people. If the merchandise in the store doesn't sell, it's either returned to whoever brought it in, or it's donated to a local women's charity. So to me, stealing from our store is like stealing from someones closet or from a charity, all mixed into one-- basically, whoever does it is automatically going to hell.

Shoplifters come in all shapes and sizes, but one of the most brazen was an elderly grandmother who stole a very expensive ring. She came in with her daughter and grandchildren, and in very broken English asked to please see the rings in the jewelery case. As she was looking through them, one of the grandchildren began screaming at the top of their lungs, stunning all by-standers and distracting the girl behind the counter. During this moment of mayhem, the elderly woman quickly slipped the most expensive of the rings into her pocket, thanked the salesgirl for showing her the rings, and promptly ushered her daughter and her no-longer-screaming grandchild out of the store. It wasn't until later in the day that my co-worker realized that one of the rings was missing, and realized what must have happened. She had been duped-- the screaming grandchild was the perfect distraction, in order for the elderly woman to pull of her perfect petty crime.

However, the elderly woman wasn't as savvy as she thought she was. (Either that, or she simply doubted the intelligence of the entire staff of the store.) The following week, she returned to the store, again with her daughter and grandchild in toe, and approached the jewelery case to look at the new items. She reached out to point to a particularly pretty necklace, again asking in broken English to see it, when the manager realized that the elderly woman was WEARING the stolen ring. She quickly told the elderly woman not to move, and asked her to please return the stolen ring and leave the store. The elderly woman began frantically murmuring that she "Did not speak English" while obviously trying to plan her escape. Sensing danger, her daughter and granddaughter had already left the store, and the elderly woman's eyes frantically darted around the store, trying to plan her escape. My manager, understanding that the elderly woman wasn't going to cooperate, finally said, "You may not understand me, but do you understand the word 'police officer'? Because that's who I'm going to call next." The elderly woman froze, and in perfect English said, "That I do understand," then promptly removed the ring, and left, never to be heard from again.

Poo-mergency!!

This story is a gem! It took place at a store I use to work at. Unfortunately I wasn't working when this occurred (though I don't really wish I was there), I did have the pleasure of hearing the story from five different co-workers who were involved/witnessed the "incident". With these different perspectives I hope recreate the story in whole, and I truly hopes it translate well in writing.

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Location: Fine home decor store, Walnut Creek, Ca

A grandmother and a mother came in to the store one afternoon, along with two young boys. They are interested in purchasing a dining table, and have started talking with a store associate (we'll call her "B") about the 100% mahogany table with the capabilities to sit 10 (the most expensive table in the overpriced store).

Attention is first brought upon them by a second associate ("G"). You see, the grandmother had a huge ass. According to G, it was the BIGGEST ass she's ever seen. And to top it off the women is wearing spandex, that are a few sizes too small, and there for are stretched beyond their limits. No longer a solid piece of fabric, but a collection of many fibers, holding on for dear life - stretched to the point that you can see through, because there are holes between the over worked fibers. So G called over the walkie-talkies for the manager to come and check out this Ass (capitalized... because it's a being in itself). <--proof of the true uses of walkie-talkies

Now while this is all happening, B has been discussing the qualities of the table with the ladies. The younger of the two boys, perched on the mother's hip, is complaining about stomach pains. The mother too engaged in her conversation over the table, ignores his pleas, and ten minutes when the smell of poop has polluted the air, the mother still doesn't seem to notice or care.

At this point the manager on duty, as well as other associates and stock workers who heard of the large ass that has arrived in the store have gathered at a safe distance to catch a glimpse of the marvel.

The smell of poop has grown, and the poor child in still complaining of stomach pains. So B, who couldn't believe the mothers ignorance to the child’s discomfort, asks the mother if the child is feeling ok.

At this point multiple things happen at once. The "ass observers" had gathered. The mother replied to B that the boy had been feeling sick to his stomach, but she thinks he's just fine. While at the same time pulling the back of his pants open to see if he's soiled himself. But the most important thing that happened in this instance, was that something in the boy let go, and a spray of liquid feces came shooting out of the open back of his pants. Covering the child, covering the mother, covering the floor, and covering the $3000 table that they have been discussing buying.

At the pointing the mother, embarrassed about what happened takes the boy up to the restroom to clean them both. While the grandmother stays. Though she doesn’t help clean the mess; she instead acts as if nothing has happened and continues to ask questions about the table. While B and G are essentially scooping and wiping her grandson’s shit off of the $3000 table and surrounding area.

Walkie-Talkies and the Retail Worker

Walkie-Talkies!
A retail workers best friend.

It makes it easier to communicate while on the sales floor. Get products faster- figure out if there is a product in the stockroom.

But most importantly... if makes it ridiculously easy to make fun of customers.

I realize this is rude, and immature. However, when you're supplied with a walkie-talkie, and a head set, so none of the customers can here you... you would do it too.